Why is it so hard to rid shameful thoughts?
Is it possible that people become addicted to shame?
When people establish their core shame belief, I believe they can become addicted to keeping the thoughts they try really hard to overcome. Shame becomes a bully in their head and they begin following its orders without much evaluation.
For instance, as long as a person believes that they are the cause of others rejection, then this person believes that they can do something about it. They will work overtime trying to avoid someone rejecting them. They become people-pleasers so that they won’t feel rejected. The problem is that a person’s acceptance isn’t enough, and they will need more and more affirmation to feel good. They are addicted to needing acceptance from other people. It’s not that a person rejects you that devastates you, it’s that you believe you are unloved and unworthy. A person’s rejection is just a reminder of what you already knew….I am unlovable.
| Rules for healthy living | Directly going against the rules | Guilt | Shame | Shame Behavior |
| Be loyal to one another | Someone leaves you and displays disloyalty | That person was not loyal to me. | They rejected me. I am not worthy enough for this person to stay with me. I am unlovable. | Work harder to keep people close. People pleasing. Manipulate people to affirm me. |
Another example is when a person appears to be on top of the world. He has gained CEO status at work, home and church. They are in charge and seem to have everything in control because he is in control. This person takes charge of everything in his life and doesn’t look back. The problem is that he leaves a wake of hurt behind him. He goes through relationships left and right because of his direct and harsh approach. He is very likeable but has no intimacy in his life. He has a lot of associates but no real close friends. The problem is shame. He believes the only way to quiet the shame dragon in his soul is to be strong and powerful around other people, hoping he won’t be found out. His soul is hurting and very fragile; the outside tries to hide the inside. Shame screams to him that the only way to survive is to trust only himself and not to be controlled by anybody. So this person tries to control others so that others won’t control him.
| Rules for healthy living | Directly going against the rules | Guilt | Shame | Shame Behavior |
| Be a faithful worker. Be strong and courageous. Be kind and gentle with people. | Authoritative and harsh. Use people to leverage their own success. | Run over people to get their way. | Success is their only chance to show how valuable they are. They have to work hard to get respect. | Give orders. Be harsh and don’t let anyone see a soft side. Don’t trust anyone. Hide their true vulnerable soul. |
Shame thrives in secrecy and darkness. The longer shame stays inside a person the more it grows. The more it grows, the more attached it becomes to our inner world. People become imprisoned by their own thoughts of shame.
They are captured in a cage hoping someone will eventually unlock the door, being totally unaware that they are the one with the key to their own prison.
Next month I’ll begin discussing how to eradicate shame from your soul.