What’s the difference between shame and guilt? These two words are often interchangeable when people talk about mistakes being made. Shame derives from a word that means: ‘to cover', and is often expressed by a covering gesture over the brow and eyes, a downcast gaze, and a slack posture.
Shame is a belief or thought that states: “I am deficient. I am identified by my behavior. I am a failure.” Shame often solicits feelings of embarrassment, sorrow, hurt, anxiety, and anger. Behaviors of shame are often:
· Making excuses
· Being defensive
· Justifying our actions
· Being under-responsible
We may prefer to make a secret of our shame, for shame can in itself be shameful—or, to be more precise, embarrassing.
Shame thrives and grows with secrecy, silence, and judgment.
Guilt, on the other hand, is an act of true moral wrong. It is a word we use to identity personal responsibility for our infractions; admitting that we made a mistake.
· “It was my fault.”
· “Yes, I didn’t listen very well.”
· “I forgot.”
· “I interacted inappropriately.”
Guilt is reduced and eliminated with forgiveness.
Shame pertains to a person; guilt pertains to an action or actions. Shame says, "I am bad." Guilt says, "I did something bad."
Shame and guilt often go hand in hand, which is why they are often confused. For instance, when we injure someone, we often feel bad about having done so (guilt), and, at the same time, feel bad about ourselves (shame).
| Life Scenario | Examples of GuiltB> | Examples of Shame |
| Picked up for speeding | Admit and apologize to the officer, slow down, leave earlier next time so I don’t have to rush | Get mad at the police officer, pass judgment on the legal system, embarrassed that someone might see me, rationalize that other drivers speed more |
| Forgetting an appointment | Admit it. Be proactive with time management, create calendar alerts | Blame busyness. Hand down self-judgment, self talk: “I am forgetful, I can’t remember anything, I am so irresponsible, I can’t change”, beat self up for forgetting, and make excuses |
| Parenting a teen that misbehaves | Have appropriate conversations, evaluate parenting involvement, validate the character of teen while giving ideas of appropriate behavior in the future | Criticize teen, get mad, use harsh treatment, label teen, associate behavior with their identity, blame self, self talk: “I’m a bad parent” |
| Having to shut down a new business venture | Learn from past mistakes, take opportunities to learn new techniques, seek wise counsel | Become paralyzed, refuse to try again, repeat old mistakes, blame others, “woe is me” victim-thinking |
People with low self-esteem tend to be harsher on themselves and are more prone to shame. In some cases, they may defend against shame by shaming others. It’s very hard to live alone in shame. The deep longing to rise above shame often incites you to shame others, believing at least I’m not the only one in this hellhole. I’m going to bring someone else with me.
When you are ready to speak up your re-emerging truth, shame says, “No, uh, uh. Remember, you got caught speeding, you forgot that important meeting, your teen is out of control, and you failed at that business venture. Uh, uh, you can’t do it.”
Shame wants you to remember the lies you have lived with most of your life. That what identifies you is what you do, not who you are.
By the way, shame is correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders, and more.
Grace and forgiveness are correlated with freedom, joy, peace, and hope.
Next blog I’ll talk about some thoughts about why we are so prone to shame.