I once heard this joke:
“Man goes to Doctor. Says he’s depressed, that life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, ‘Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.’ Man bursts into tears and says, ‘But doctor….I am Pagliacci.”
Have you ever hidden behind a mask?
Or have you ever met someone else who begins to share their painful story but as they describe the details, chuckle as they speak? It seems that this person can talk about their feelings, but not really feel them. People will spend a lot of time attending workshops, seeing counselors, telling others who did what to them, but still cannot describe how they feel about it. They intellectualize and analyze their feelings without actually experiencing them.
Recognize your pain.
The next step in writing your story is to see the pain in the story of your past, and the need for healing this hurt. Unexpressed emotion and inappropriate expression of emotion is toxic to your soul.
Emotions were never meant to be repressed because what is unseen and unrealized cannot be treated.
Some people are afraid to really feel their feelings; perhaps afraid of losing control, afraid of the pain involved, afraid of the sense of loss, afraid of failure or whatever other emotion is revealed. They are reluctant to cry. So much of life is about what you feel rather than what you think. Being strongly connected to your emotional life is essential to living a life with high energy and a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.
I was privileged to work with a professional counselor as I was learning about my emotional self a few years ago. I remember the day Kevin said that he understood what I thought about the situation, but then asked me “How did it feel?” I was smiling as long as I was providing a description of the situation. As soon as I looked for the feelings inside of me I began to cry. It did not feel very good; I was hurting. Kevin helped me go to my feelings rather than my intellect.
It takes a lot of energy to keep emotions repressed and buried. If you keep emotions buried for a long period of time, it creates opportunities for fatigue and depression.
The following are some major symptoms of buried and repressed emotions:
· Fatigue
· Being hurt over minor incidents
· Blaming others for how you feel
· Speaking of issues and interests rather than personal matters and feelings
· Pretending something doesn’t bother you when inside it does
· Rarely talking about your feelings
· Blowing up over minor incidents
· Feeling your anger not at the time something happens but a few days later
· Difficulty talking about yourself
· Troubled personal relationships with family, friends, or co-workers
· A lack of ambition or motivation
· Laughing on the outside while crying on the inside
Crying is a normal release function for each human being. People are born with this ability because through crying they release pain, hurt, and associated stress. Writing and crying about what has happened can help you sort out your experience and understand it. And understanding is crucial. Until you can articulate the pain in your story with the appropriate emotions, it will haunt rather than liberate you.
People can play all sorts of games with their minds denying reality. However, it’s much harder to do that when they write things down. For complete emotional health you will have to fully accept your emotions, and this acceptance will be accelerated if you write your story.
Validate your anger and mourn your losses.
When a person has been wounded, anger swells---and this anger is very appropriate. What happened to them was wrong! Would they want the same event happen to their best friend, their child, someone they love? If it’s not OK for others to experience it, it’s not OK for anyone. Getting mad and angry over the event can be very helpful; however, staying angry will not help you overcome, you must own it. “I was wronged, and it’s okay for me to be upset about it. I needed you to be there for me and you weren’t.” You then need to give yourself permission to grieve over what you either lost or never had, to feel sorrow, and to cry.
At some point you must allow your anger to transfer into sadness. When you can cry about the event, you have allowed the memory of the event gain some life again, and that is essential for you to write about and acknowledge.
I will be introducing yet another step next week. You are doing great; don’t give up now!